Dec 12th, 2008
I hear tell of a rumor that you may be feeling a bit blue, so I figured I’d drop you a line to cheer your spirits. But why so glum, chum? OK, OK – I know it’s that time of year when you’re supposed to be top-of-mind for everyone, and what with Mr. Media Darling Obama and that pretty boy vampire what’s-his-name Cullen, I suppose it’s natural that you might be feeling a little… ignored. A bit overlooked. Maybe even slightly taken for granted.
But Santa, truly, you’re still important to all of us. No, really! We’re still thinking about you, and kids are still lining up to take pictures with you… OK, maybe not as many as want to line up to get their pictures taken with Obama, and maybe the teenage girls would rather sit on Edward Cullen’s lap than yours, but come on. It’s just a phase. They’ll all grow out of it and you’ll still be their favorite, really.
I’ll be honest, Santa: I do feel a little guilty for talking about Obama so much and mostly ignoring you up to this point. But you have to understand that this election was kind of a biggie for everyone. And I talk about the voice of the people as told by our merchandise – and so it wasn’t me ignoring you, really. I’m just the messenger, so please consider that salient point when deciding whether my name goes down on the “naughty” or “nice” side of your all-important ledger.
And hey – there’s more Santa T-shirts than there are Twilight T-shirts, so see? You’re the rosy-cheeked fat man that makes a positive and lasting impression, and ever so much more affable than that pale, gaunt Emo-chic vampire boy. Sure, Obama T-shirts outnumber yours, but it was his season. The election season, you know. And this election season was really long, and yours really only starts in earnest after Thanksgiving. (After Halloween is merely your primaries, and it’s hard to compete with Pilgrims and turkey while children are crashing from a sustained sugar high and are in dire need of some protein.) Yes, I know he’s kinda horning in on your month and your schtick, but the Inauguration is just a month away and by next Christmas you’ll be on top again. Really.
Oh come on, Santa. Don’t give me that look. Just because Edward Cullen makes moody faces and sends the girls swooning doesn’t mean that it suits someone who’s made a name for himself as “merry” and “jolly.” You don’t hear anyone out there singing heartfelt songs about Moody Young Edward Cullen, do you? No, of course not. But you still have children going door-to-door invoking your name, and that means that you’re not long forgotten.
Here’s an idea to cheer you up: I know it’s crunch time, but why not give everyone a night off? Go enjoy a nice Christmas bash with the Elves and Mrs. Claus, drink too much of Mrs. Claus’ lethal eggnog and then get Rudolph to take you out on a joy ride. (Just make sure he hasn’t hit the eggnog too – drinking and flying don’t mix.) You might even invite the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy over to commiserate.
Anyway, I’m sure you have lots of other letters to read (and I bet you have more than Obama or Edward Cullen – maybe), so I’ll leave you to them.
Thanks for always being there for us,