CafePress and the National Security Agency (NSA) announced today a clandestine partnership between the world’s largest customizable retailer and the Federal government that will revolutionize online retail. The service is called CafePredict and leverages the NSA’s state-of-the-art data mining and surveillance techniques to deliver products to you before you even realize you need them!
The NSA and CafePress unveiled the partnership at a ceremony today in and undisclosed location in New Mexico* that provides customized shirts, mugs, tanks, infant apparel, and other products to customers prior to orders being placed using the NSA’s PRISM clandestine mass electronic surveillance data mining program known officially as SIGAD US-984XN.
With the launch of CafePredict, CafePress becomes the first merchant to leverage the authority granted to the U.S. Government under Article 1, Section 8, in relation to regulating interstate commerce, and promoting the progress of science, along with Article IV, Section 1, and the full faith and credit that is to be given to every public act. As acceptance of the practice broadens, it is expected to ultimately erase the need for shopping.
“The NSA understands the value of retail e-commerce,” said Knotareel Purson of CafePress. “Using the agency’s extensive monitoring ability, we can analyze personal e-mails, internet browsing history, Facebook posts, instant messages and phone records to determine which items will be shipped and to whom. Processing orders has also been facilitated in that PRISIM keeps customer credit cards up-to-date and if a loyal customer has exceeded their limit we simply apply for a new credit card on their behalf. ”
The Beta program – which can be found at cafepress.com/+cafepredict+gifts – initiated its first shipment to German Chancellor Angela Merkel – after a recent phone conversation with Russian President Vladimir Putin in which she told him, “Ich würde einen Duschvorhang in Bildern von West Coast Rapper mit den zugrunde liegenden Text lesen bedeckt lieben ‘Mamma Said Knock You Out,” which translates to English as, “I would adore a shower curtain covered in images of West Coast rappers with underlying text reading ‘Mamma Said Knock You Out.’”
“Fighting domestic and international terror is not our only charter,” said one anonymous NSA official. “This is important. Imagine a 30 x 40 canvas for your wall with a photo of your new baby arriving at your house before you even get home from the hospital? Or what about having a mug with the website you visit at 3 a.m. every night delivered to your house so you can proudly display your allegiance? This will transform the way America shops and shine a public spotlight on that which is most personal to you. No one is better equipped to be your personal shopper than the US Government.”
First developed under the guidance of former U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney in 2002, the PRISM intelligence capability of understanding what people desire to purchase before they click “purchase” is seen as enormously important to the U.S. intelligence community.
“This is enormously important to the United States’ economic security,” former Vice President Dick Cheney said about the PRSIM program, speaking into a refurbished iPhone 5 featuring a customized cover sporting the logo for the well-known hunter’s safety brand, Americans For Safe Aiming (AFSA). “Beyond energy security, I cannot think of anything else so vital to our stability.”
Dan McCall, President of the NSA’s fan club, says the new service has forever changed the way he shops. “I no longer need to think about shopping. T-Shirts, shower curtains, mugs and jewelry just show up at my doorstep. The hermit-like existence I have so longed for is finality becoming a reality. I say ‘Well done’ to the US Government! You really are listening.” To celebrate the new service McCall updated his celebrated NSA T-Shirt with new designs celebrating the new shopping service.
For more about the NSA / CafePress partnership, visit cafepress.com/+cafepredict+gifts.
*OK, the undisclosed location was Area 51
Please consider the date posted when launching into a privacy rant or panic attack upon reading this blog post.