In this week’s installment of Shirts that Make You Go Hmm….

Sleepless Peruvian farmer Ignacio was watching the same Saturday Night Live rerun for the 50th time in his lonely Andes hut with his trusty llama Fernando, and realized that he still had no answer as to who Quién es Más Macho – Ricardo Montalban, or Fernando Lamas?

Ignacio looked to his Fernando for guidance, but Fernando wasn’t interested.  Such matters were above him, and in any case Fernando himself felt that he was clearly más macho than either aging star mentioned.

Ignacio then realized that Fernando the Llama was, indeed, the most macho of all.  But was he the most macho of all llamas?  He posed this question to Fernando, who snorted his derision while chewing some freshly harvested alfalfa and then proceeded to spit at the television in annoyance.  Ignacio understood, and happened to agree – could anybody compare with the lush brown and white coat, the perfect roman nose, the bountiful fringe of lash highlighting the bright and lively eyes of his own Fernando?

Not having a llama version of Dogster for a comparison point, Ignacio decided to investigate the situation by examining neighboring llamas to determine quién indeed was el más macho de todos in the llama world.  And so he and Fernando trekked bravely through the Andes, searching high and low for other (and often inferior) llamas.

After a few failed attempts at closer llama inspection from farmers who didn’t appreciate the handsome duo trespassing on their lands (Ignacio, truth be told, wasn’t a bad-looking fellow himself), and the awkward matter of approaching perfect strangers during other random llama sightings with such an odd request, Ignacio realized that he’d have to be more official if he were to continue his llama census without the inconvenience of shouted insults, off-putting dogs and the occasional brandished weapon.

And so he and Fernando came up with the perfect T-shirt to formalize their project.  The “random llama inspection” T-shirt, above, was just perfect for the bilingual llama owner ISO other attractive llamas as a comparison point.

(Regrettably, Fernando himself did not fit into the T-shirt, and as far as we know nobody makes llama-wear yet.  He’s considering that as his next project.)

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In the latest installment of “shirts that make you go hmm…”

You are a gay Scandinavian penguin lover, devastated at the memory of gay penguins Roy and Silo breaking up when that harlot Scrappy decided to lure Silo away forever.  You knew she was trouble from the beginning, but nobody would listen.  Not even Roy.

Feeling that Roy might have been better off staying in the closet and avoiding the painful tabloid breakups so common to celebrities, you designed this shirt to warn any future penguins from having such a public same-sex relationship.

Or maybe you designed it to make Silo feel guilty, since you suspect that he’s just putting on appearances to please the naysayers and the media.

Or maybe you don’t like tuxedos.

Hmm.

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In this week’s “shirts that make you go hmm…”

Well, OK.  It’s a sticker, not a shirt.  But still.  Huh?

Here’s one scenario:

Darlene was a fourth-generation aerialist, descended from a long line of Russian-born circus performers.  Darlene was the star performer in the touring troupe of Cirque du Soleil, right up until her left pinky toe began to twich uncontrollably at all the wrong moments.  The tightrope, after all, is not known for its forgiveness.

At first, Darlene thought it was just a strained tendon.  But doctor after doctor couldn’t find anything, and after one of Darlene’s ill-timed episodes led to a trapeze fall during a performance she went to see a specialist.

Knowing that Darlene was depressed and that her work was suffering, her long-time aerialist partner Svetlana had secretly made up this special sticker and stuck it to the back of Darlene’s Geo Metro, a relic from her time outside the circus when she decided to make a go as a stand-up comedienne.  (Well, techincally she was an airborne comedienne, as Darlene’s hook was delivering her performance while flying through the air via lighting equipment, thus enraging gaffers and stage managers at various open mic venues.)

Svetlana surely couldn’t know that Darlene would return from seeing a specialist to find out that she was suffering from the incurable toe-version of alien hand syndrome, thus making the now-affixed gift a bit too true to be funny.  Darlene also suspected that Svetlana’s gag gift may have cursed her (circus performers can be so superstitious), and decided then and there to leave the circus forever.

Nonetheless, Darlene kept the sticker on her Geo Metro, and the last thing her circus friends saw of her was a sad, waving hand out the driver’s side door, the sticker getting smaller and smaller as she drove away.

Lest you think this story ends up tragically, rest assured that Darlene was always a lot funnier when she wasn’t trying to tell jokes while flying through the air.  Sometimes, multi-tasking just isn’t a good thing.

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Speaking of ninjas and shirts that make you go hmm…

Hmm.

Mimes and ninjas are, indeed, silent.  And ’tis true that cholesterol, lacking a voice box or any sound-producing qualities, is silent.  But some might argue that cholesterol doesn’t enter your system of its own accord.  Cholesterol needs a vehicle to gain access to its victim, and by taking into account the vehicle as the assassin and the cholesterol as the weapon you must then consider the delicious sizzle of a fatty burger hitting a hot skillet, thus making cholesterol less a silent killer than it is a fragrant, mouth-watering, sizzling killer that distracts its victims with an all-fronts sensory overload attack.

So be forewarned: the sound of frying bacon are the dulcet tones of a silent killer, hiding behind the snap crackle pop of melting fat.

As to whether a secret band of mime and ninja assassins are out there targeting their next victims, well… be afraid.

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The latest in “shirts that make you go hmm…”

Hmm.  We like to imagine it goes something like this:

Kenji is a skilled ninja.  He lives his life to protect the world as we know it, fighting evil and upholding the sacred code of the ninja warrior.  Right as his wife goes into labor, a fleet of robo-dragons and their genetically-altered monkey minions invade major cities and threaten to take over the world!

Kenji rushes his wife to the hospital where, unbeknownst to him, a particularly nasty… er, fleet?… of robo-dragons has already taken over the ER!  The doctors and nurses are in a panic, wondering what do do and thinking “If only we had a ninja here to save us…”

Both doctor and ninja rush into the hallway, looking for help.

And thus the exchange above.

Hmm… (your alternate scenarios are, of course, welcome)

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Every once in awhile, among the hundreds of millions of things for sale, we run across a design that makes us go “Hmm.”

Today was one of those days.  The design at left is what made us go “hmm…”

What does it mean, we wonder?  Is it a censure of the overly fancy palates of today’s diner?  Is it simply assumed that Neanderthals wouldn’t be interested in fowl?  Or garnish?  Or roasting?  Or has this particular caveman simply lost his appetite due to the unwelcome addition of a superfluous “l” in “salsa?”

We don’t know.

Hmm.

UPDATE: Oh, you clever folks who recognized the shirt.  As has happened to so many unfortunate creatures in nature, its newfound attention has led ultimately to its demise.

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